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Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:42 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1601

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to [email protected], or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to [email protected] (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1601
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1596 9 votes 01134 02151 02340 00441 04113 12510 11241 03312 02421 21231
1596 3.3 mean 4.1 3.6 3.2 3.7 3.3 2.7 3.3 3.2 3.2 3.0

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:43 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-01

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

In honour of the obvious merits of the French "metric" system over the despised "English" system of measurement, I propose metric gold.
Instead of 24 carats, there will be 100, which will multiply the amount
of gold by 4, roughly, allowing more wealth for everyone. I'll keep the
small bits of gold left over from the conversion, where 96 (that's 24
times 4) is not quite equal to 100.

Please provide for me a set of watertight logical arguments to persuade
the governments and scientific societies everywhere of the merits of my
new system. Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The following Oracular response has been transcribed by an English
} incarnation, who is therefore gritting their teeth in being forced to
} promote France over England.
}
} "An Englishman's home is his castle" is a well-known saying. This is
} patently not true as very few English homes are surrounded by moats or
} equipped with portcullises, or indeed supported by a feudal system of
} repressed peasants.
} The English system of financial stability is founded on the Royal Mint
} (Prince Charles is known to like Polo) and the Bank of England (this
} should be the "Banksy of England", as it is based on political satire,
} graffitti, and shredded paper).
} English people are very much in favour of the "carrot and stick"
} approach, and have frequently chosen the stick over the carat (the
} late Sean Lock notwithstanding).
}
} From this, we can deduce that an English house is largely constructed
} from copies of Punch (shredded) and sticks (sharp), with the financial
} stability of a pyramid scheme built out of damp cigarette papers, and
} this is why the French defeated them in 1066.
}
} The French, on the other hand, invented the hot-air balloon (so they
} could look down on everyone), the guillotine (so the rich couldn't
} look down on anyone), the Gay-lussac system (for measuring how likely
} you are to end up in the gutter after drinking), the spirit level (for
} testing if your dead grandmother is telling the truth), and the
} Etch-A-Sketch (easily droppable so you don't have to pin your
} children's artwork to the fridge). They are also the most striking
} people on earth (apart from the RMT union), and have a president named
} after a punctuation mark (imagine if the UK was governed by Mr Acute).
}
} We therefore deduce that the French have a completely egalitarian
} society where everyone can be held to account or, alternatively, can
} drink to forget people who have not been held to account. Anything
} they suggest is therefore perfect.
}
} Your proposed system of gold is perfect for these troubled times. In
} one fell swoop we enrich the poor (or at least those who have been
} left a small gold ornament by their forebears), annoy Mr Putin (which
} sounds very much like the French for "sex worker"), and provide 4%
} extra for overthrowing the bourgeoisie (anyone who was left *two*
} gold ornaments by their forebears).
}
} You owe the Oracle a 4% pay-rise, or I go on strike (which involves
} hitting Zadoc with a match).

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I am afraid of pirates. NOT pilots like the Major General. Salami
pirates from the Salami country. How can I be sure they won't come here
and steal my sandwiches?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are several assurance methods concerning your sandwiches to
} consider, and since they are subjective, this Oracle can only present
} them to you.
}
} Make your sandwiches unappetizing by adding unusual condiments or
} disguising your main protein to look like cat food.
}
} Change your venue to one far away from the Sandwich Isles; everyone is
} hungry there.
}
} Buy a sandwich insurance policy; yes, you may lose a sandwich but get
} one replenished quickly enough.
}
} But my favorite choice would be to hang a sign on your door advertising
} that you have a vegan home. Then no salami man would then step foot
} there.
}
} You owe the Oracle one pepperoni stick.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-03

Selected-By: David Hemming <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Nobody understands me. Sometimes gur jbeqf V fcrnx trg nyy fjveyrq
nebhaq naq V znxr ab frafr ng nyy. Could you perhaps administer half a
ZOT as sort of a correction? Guvatf ner trggvat gbgnyyl evqvphybhf,
nyzbfg yvxr Whyvhf Frvmher. Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's be honest here, abobql haqrefgnaqf lbh orpnhfr lbh'er EBGgra. :-)

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-04

Selected-By: David Hemming <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Assuming it's even a real thing, what's a "groomerang"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's simply part of silly wedding traditions. The bridesmaid who
} catches the bride's bouquet is supposed to be the next victim. The
} groom's second cousin who gets covered with the groom's vomit (the
} groomerang) when they were out drinking the night before the wedding
} and has to get removed but it is a real mess becomes a second cousin
} once removed. The groom's third cousin (Alfie, you remember him) steps
} into second place, unless he trips on his own shoelaces. Oops, he did.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:47 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-05

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What the heck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, heck. It's the part of eternity that holds people who use
} euphemisms. Darn it to heck and what the heck are two of the famous
} ones. You owe the Oracle, whose throne is leaking, a better porcelain
} euphemism.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-06

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I was trying to hunt up the meaning of the word majnun but I spelled it
wrong and got mahjongg instead. Now I am obsessed, totally crazy, of,
with or about playing mahjongg. Or perhaps majnun. I just bought 28
identical sets of mahjongg tiles, all exceptionally antique and
exceptionally unique.

Anyway that's all milk over the damn, not worth thinking about. Please
give me a better obsession so that I can ask you good questions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Better obsession" otherwise known as "an addiction to gamblers".
}
} Shepherds are obsessed with gambollers.
}
} Gambolling sheep are often frisky, but they're not good at airport
} security pat-downs.
}
} Pat-downs are what you get from cows, or maybe herds of cattle.
}
} I've heard of cattle; they tend to low a lot at night.
}
} A low-lying cow means it's going to rain.
}
} "To reign" is a toast to Elizabeth's long occupation of the throne.
}
} A long occupation of the throne is a reason to consult a Bristol Stool
} Chart.
}
} A Bristol Stool Chart is not a list of furniture from the River Severn.
}
} River Severn does not flow from River Six.
}
} River Six is not how Australian fish are made.
}
} Our maid is the person who does the cleaning and tidying.
}
} Tie-dying is colouring pieces of cloth in amazing shades.
}
} Amazing shades are how to protect your eyes from the Sun.
}
} I's from The Sun is how a tabloid journalist might introduce
} themselves.
}
} Them shelves is what I store them books on.
}
} Book-son is what A.A. Milne referred to Christopher Robin as.
}
} A robin 'as a beak and a red breast.
}
} A red breast is the result of body painting gone wrong.
}
} Gong wrong is the opposite of cymbal right.
}
} Symbol right is a pointed icon.
}
} A pointed icon is how to hurt yourself in an Orthodox church.
}
} The lesson we all learn from this is that you should never play word
} association games.
}
} You owe the Oracle a number instead. (A one, two, a one two three
} four.)

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:49 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-07

Selected-By: David Hemming <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Frightful Oracle, I tried too hard. I wanted to ask about the Omicorn
Virus but asked about OnoChrome instead. What is the penalty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having to electroplate the widow of John Lennon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording of the Cornish Nationalist Party's
} anthem, "Imagine There's No Devon".

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:50 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-08

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Back along time ago there was a program or a pogrom against the
heretics or "heretiques" known as "les epinards" who threatened
the Holy Trinity by adding butter. Please relate to me the almost
historic scene in which Popeye came to the Rescue of the Church
or maybe the Pope.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Popeye was charged with blasphemy in 1929 by claiming, "I Yam What I
} Yam", which was close to Yahweh's name "I Yam".
}
} As a result, he was hauled in front of Pope Pius Xi (pronounced
} "She"), and asked to explain himself. He claimed that, because yams
} were not mentioned in the Bible, he could not possibly be charged
} with anything (not even the Swiss Guard).
}
} The Pope realised that he had met his intellectual match (a clever
} stick that sets on fire when you scrape it) and invited Popeye to
} help the Church in its battle against heresy. Popeye misheard this as
} a war against Hersheys and invented the idea of eating spinach to
} make himself strong.
}
} Popeye's reason for eating spinach was due to its Vitamin A content,
} and increased consumption (nothing to do with TB) in American
} children by 33%. Evangelicalism of this order was fascinating to a
} Pope, who had previously only tried to increase Catholics by
} preventing prevention (as it were).
}
} Anyway to cut a long story short, there was no escaping the clutches
} of the hunky sailor-man and Popeye culture spread across the world
} like butter (although they had to remove the racist and sexist parts
} (from Popeye, that is, not the butter)).
}
} You owe the Oracle an alternative history in which Popes John and
} Paul II got together with Archbishop George Carey and Greek Patriarch
} Johannis (Your Highness) to form the Christian Beatles and defeat the
} Rolling Stones (who were stopping Zombie Jesus from getting out of
} the tomb).

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:51 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-09

Selected-By: David Hemming <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why does Monday have to be so early in the week? I'm never ready for
it. What do you take to alleviate Monday-itis? Strong drink? Poison? Vegetable soup?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Dean of Westminster Abbey,
}
} I know you're scared right now. On Monday, the funeral of QE2 (not the
} boat, the other one), will be taking place in your little church. Over
} 1 billion people will be watching live, with 118 state representatives
} in attendance. Anything that goes wrong will reflect badly on you,
} even if it wasn't your fault.
}
} My advice is:
} - Fake a positive Lateral Flow Test
} - Convert to Buddhism
} - Grow a beard
} - Change your name to Arthur Figgis Smyth Fanshaw-Chomondley-Wharner
} (but all the banks are shut, so you'll have to wait for the
} documentation to come through).
} - Research the "true nature" of the Royal Family by following David
} Icke (on Twitter, not in real life) and talk about it very loudly to
} all your colleagues.
} - Pretend to be an ostrich.
} - Pretend you have a clash with the funeral of your mother's favourite
} guinea-pig, Mr Fluffles. (National Guinea-Pig awareness week was
} cancelled recently due to Liz's demise; they deserve some
} recognition.)
} - Drink three bottles of port, two Bloody Marys, and a pint of Russian
} vodka, and sleep through the entire thing.
} - Be photographed by paparazzi leaving The Prince Of Wales (the
} nightclub, not the heir to the throne) at 2am.
} - Eat five platefulls (plates-full?) of baked beans and then hold a
} cigarette lighter to your posterior.
}
} You owe the Oracle a front-row seat at the Coronation of Charlie 3, or
} a shout-out in Mr Fluffles' eulogy. Whichever is easier.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:52 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-10

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why is it called X but rated R?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Basically you are fundamentally confused. R and X++ are two quite
} different programming languages. Indeed, you may not have heard of
} them before. Doubly indeed, you probably have not heard of most
} programming languages, especially the ones so esoteric they've
} not been implemented. Are you ready for Malbolge or INTERCAL?
} Have you every tried APL on an IBM 2741 printing terminal, with
} the special APL golf ball?
}
} You owe the Oracle a worthwhile APL one-liner.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1601 ******************************************

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