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Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:18 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1600

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to [email protected], or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to [email protected] (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1600
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1595 13 votes 22423 23422 31441 03325 20452 41332 15223 04621 12244 04252
1595 3.2 mean 3.2 2.9 2.9 3.7 3.4 2.8 3.1 3.0 3.6 3.4

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:20 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Sorry, I overmisunderestimated in my last question. Please except my repugnance for this uncoveredly fact. Now let's get to a good question.
Where did I leave it, and how will I know I've found it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some supplicants are beyond help. Others are Far Beyond Help. You have
} left those losers in the mud. Like outtasight beyond help.
}
} Don't worry about tribute. I would not want to be owed anything from
} you.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:21 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Dear Orrie whose fossil fuel
Can only be talked of as cool
Whose coking is brill
And gives all us a thrill
While our heating remains duel.

I have been having a yak with me coal porter. But I think he might have
sold me down the river. What to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those spots that appear on your hands when you get seriously old are
} sometimes called liver spots. They are a sign of Old Man Liver. You'd
} best send Cole to Newcastle.
}
} You owe the Oracle some less far-fetched stuff. Perhaps compare
} Newcastle and Aintree races. As in racing, not racists.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:22 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-03

Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What if I misspell "sic"? Then what happens?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll fall into a very sic (sic) joke.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spell of good healht.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:23 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-04

Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Would you say that schizophrenics are more fun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Schizophrenia means never having to admit you might be sane. Of course
} it's fun. I'm schizophrenic on alternate Tuesdays every week, when I
} hallucinate that I am receiving mysterious supplications from idiotic
} supplicants such as you. For further details see your shrink.
}
} You owe the Oracle a resurrected implementation of Parry the Paranoid.
} And a bottle of rum.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:24 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-05

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Which broads should I study?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My earlier answer was in the singular, not the plural, and I told you
} to study "abroad" or perhaps "aboard" which you could do on the boat
} taking you to foreign shores. Lots of pretty foreign girls there,
} really exotic. Pretty foreign. They were supposed to be able to totally
} misunderstand you no matter how much you studied them.
}
} In the typical fashion of the ordinary and useless ("too short")
} supplicant you ignored my advice and did everything else instead.
}
} You have now screwed the nail, and are left with a pile of lumber, 1x6
} boards that are too short for your purposes. Study them well. They're
} all you'll get.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better grade of vodka. My current supply does not
} get me drunk enough to answer you properly.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:25 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-06

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

She wants me to rearrange her insides??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Open the door to her closet.
}
} No, no, no! Not that one! That's Fibber McGee's closet. Everything will
} fall out with a terrible clatter.
}
} It's the other closet, where she keeps packages of stuffing for making
} toys for children and also the bags of stuffing for filling Christmas
} turkeys. She's been getting them confused lately, and the last turkey
} she baked was dreadful.
}
} Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to rearrange that closet.
} And also to eat the dreadful stuffed turkey.
}
} Rotsa.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:26 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-07

Selected-By: Christophe <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Grand and almost-fluffy Oracle, who can tell the difference between
the Portuguese and the Portuganders, as well as and also between the
Mishigas and the Michiganders, please explain to me where I can find
the Silly Aisles. Back in that time there was the Wholly Roman Umpire.
Please explain him, too, more or lest.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Silly Aisles are located in England or the United Kingdom or
} Great Britain. [We're off to a bad start]. There are five or six
} islands, depending on whether you count Gugh separately from St.
} Agnes. [Things are not getting better.] The largest city is Hugh
} Town where 1,097 lived in 2011, up from 1,068 in 2001. No word on
} where the additional 29 people came from, births, immigrants from
} London, or just washed up on shore. [This town is not Huge in my
} book, the Oracle Book of Huge towns, available from the B family
} of bookstores, B. Dalton, Barnes and Noble, and Borders, except
} B. Dalton and Borders, which have gone out of business.]
}
} I congratulate you on the depth of your question (something the
} Oracle almost never does) because there is actually a Roman temple
} in Hugh Town. Hasn't been excavated, so nobody knows what's under
} it, except maybe the people who built it.
}
} The big event in Hugh is the World Championship Pilot Gig Race, held
} on the May Day Bank holiday. [They close the banks for Gig Races?
} Apparently they do. That's money banks, not river banks.] Unlike
} thousands of megabytes, a gig is an oar powered boat used in the 17th
} century to take pilots to incoming Atlantic vessels. The pilot who
} got there first got the job, hence the races. The gig was also one
} of the first shore-based lifeboats. Alfred Hitchcock is known for
} inserting himself as a cameo in his movies, but it took some
} ingenuity to get him into his movie Lifeboat, which, as you may
} have already surmised, took place on a lifeboat. Not a gig lifeboat,
} mind you. [We're going downhill fast. Things are getting worse and
} worse.] He appeared in a newspaper held by one of the survivors
} (on the lifeboat) as the "before" and "after" pictures in an advert
} for the the Sensational New Reduco Obesity Slayer. What Americans
} abbreviate as ad, British abbreviate as advert. That brings us back
} to the beginning, as the Silly Aisles are British.
}
} By the way, the female form of Michigander is not Michigoose as many
} belileve, but Michigaze. Go Blue^H^H^H^H Green!
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of yourself reading this answer in a loop
} over and over until you drop from exhaustion or starvation. [Neither
} is a good way to lose weight, but you already knew that.]

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:27 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-08

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

"Rates plummet" you told me.

You must have been talking about my Uncle Dave, who rates all sorts of
things on his invisible website. He rated a well-known brand of poultry
last week, Irving Crumbly's Roast Plummet, and he said it was very
good, considering what it was.

What should Uncle Dave rate next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've set up quite a few ratings websites in my time. It allows people
} to vent their petty frustrations without addressing the fundamental
} issues of our time, such as whether Boris Johnson has ever been
} ambushed by a cake.
}
} Angry people: IRateIRates.com
}
} Legumes: IRateHerpeas.com (not to be confused with the STI clinic's
} feedback website)
}
} Seamen: IRateRatings.com (see above; also not to be confused with the
} competitor: RankMyRatings.com)
}
} Rodents: IRateRats.com
}
} Children's toys: IRateRattles.com (not to be confused with a website
} devoted to catching angry snakes: IRateRattles.net)
}
} Norse Gods: IRateRatatoskr.nl
}
} French stews: IRateRatatouille.com (its European competitor,
} IRateRatatouilleToo.eu didn't fare well).
}
} Tension mechanisms: IRateRatchets.com (not to be confused with a site
} for rating rodent faeces).
}
} Finnish Ice hockey players: IRateRaty.com
}
} Indian flatbreads: IRateRoti.com
}
} You owe the Oracle a way of collecting people's feedback about how
} easy they find it to use all these ratings websites.
} FeedbackOnMyMultipleFeedbackSites.com doesn't roll off the tongue.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:28 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-09

Selected-By: David Hemming <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Trying to do conversions again. Need more kilograms per inch to
complete my stolen crook's radiometer. It receives KDKA in Pittsburhg
but only at night. Please send help. Or money. Or something.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle only works in old-fashioned money, so will be sending you
} some good old British LSD (that's lounds, shillings, and dense) as
} recompense.
} If you want to know your rate, then measuring it in groats per furlong
} (a furlong is the opposite of a Brazilian) is the way to go. Your
} particular message was relatively short, and it was worth around three
} score groats at a length of 0.1 chains, giving you a rate of 6000
} groats per furlong, which is better than Elon Musk paying $1.2b to fly
} 86km through the air.
} (Zadoc once flew 90km through the air on some LSD but that's because
} he walked off the edge of the Grand Canyon while high.)
}
} Also, you should note that your radiometer only works due to the
} differential between black and white, which means it will work best if
} you take it to apartheid-era South Africa.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to use a radiometer to measure the Queen's
} royal waves.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:29 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-10

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

It's not Christmas anymore, at least not much. But I still want a hippopotamus. Gayla Peevey finally got her hippopotamus but I didn't.

Please send me a hippopotamus. I won't threaten to hold my breath
until I turn blue and die. That never works. Instead I'll just keep
spelling hippopotamus as hittapopamus until I get one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I came across a rather unusual sight the other day. Three wealthy
} landowners were meeting on elaborately decorated animal skins,
} two seemed to be on tanned cattle skins and the third was on a
} hippopotamus. The estates of the first two were considerable,
} but the third one was the size of the first two combined.
}
} Yes, the squire on the hippopotamus was equal to the sum of the
} squires on the two other hides.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1600 ******************************************

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