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Date: Fri, 17 Feb 17 14:50:47 -0500
From: [email protected] (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1570

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to [email protected], or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to [email protected] (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1570
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1565 17 votes 04652 01754 00548 02366 17144 13643 16334 25361 18332 33560
1565 3.3 mean 3.3 3.7 4.2 3.9 3.2 3.3 3.2 2.9 2.8 2.8

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Date: Fri, 17 Feb 17 14:50:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1570-01

Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

How can I get one of them Priapus High Breed Cars for my daughter she
says she needs one now that she is outta highschoool. Frankie's Used
Cars in town says he don'thave stuff like that an I don't have enuf
money anyways how can he tell? but I don't wanna spen more than $500
for it because I don't have that kinda money like $30,0000 dollars.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think she wanted a Priapus High Speed Ride, not High Breed Car,
} although it is not hard^H^H^H^Hdifficult to see the confusion.
}
} You, as the father of an older teenage daughter, are quite likely
} very much in denial about the things she does privately. And you
} can be sure she is using any Priapus products in private.
}
} You are best off leaving Frankie at FUC out of it, he's a bit
} "leery" if you catch my drift.
}
} Just have your sister buy your daughter a gift certificate to a
} high quality "Bachelorette" store and then don't open any packages
} she gets for the next few weeks.
}
} You owe the Oracle some alone time with the catalogs that arrive
} in those packages.

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Date: Fri, 17 Feb 17 14:50:49 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1570-02

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Now that it is almost the Winter Equinox (December the 21st) what
should I know about chemistry for my science exam? Because I heard that
when they demoted Pluto and Neptune from being Planets they also
demoted Plutonium and Neptunium from being Elements.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know Neon and Cobalt and Carbon and Fluorine,
} Iodine, Bromine, and Sulphur and Argon.
} But do you recall the most famous element of all?
}
} Radium the green-tinged element.
} Had a sickly greenish tinge.
} And if you ever saw it, you would even say,
} "I need to check into a hospital right away as I've clearly been
} exposed to unacceptable levels of radiation. IT GLOWS!".
} All of the other elements
} used to transmute and change their names.
} They never let poor radium
} join in any high-school chemistry experiments.
} Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say:
} Radium, with your glow so bright,
} won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
} Then all the elements loved him,
} and they shouted out with glee:
} Radium, the green-tinged element,
} you'll go down in history!
}
} You owe the Oracle some lead-lined gloves and the words to "I'm
} dreaming of a white Christmas, but preferably not one caused by a
} nuclear winter."

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Date: Fri, 17 Feb 17 14:50:50 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1570-03

Selected-By: Christophe <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I was waiting for the electrician, or someone like him. Do you like
him? Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. He's very bright. (I know that may come as a shock to you.)

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Date: Fri, 17 Feb 17 14:50:51 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1570-04

Selected-By: twchew <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Not an actual question; just wanted to let you know that we've finally
fixed that pesky misconfiguration issue that occasionally resulted in
the email delivery being delayed by several days, all thanks to our
software going nuts and throwing the messages into a good ol' UUCP
routing loop.

Oh, and happy new 1992!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks, maybe it will work better than the old 1992.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few Wells.

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Date: Fri, 17 Feb 17 14:50:52 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1570-05

Selected-By: Christophe <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

404 Question not found!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right, skip it and go on to Question 405.

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Date: Fri, 17 Feb 17 14:50:53 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1570-06

Selected-By: Christophe <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh Oracle, could you write me a poem about lost love? It would make me
feel much better.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's love for his boat
} Was greater than that for his goat
} Whose capricious jumping
} The tiller was bumping
} And now it's no longer afloat.

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Date: Fri, 17 Feb 17 14:50:54 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1570-07

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

How are babies made?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you tried asking your mother and your father, and then comparing
} their answers to see if there was any agreement on the process? Pay
} particular attention to the words that surround phrases such as "I'll
} never understand why I," or "wasn't my idea," "God's Green Earth," "why
} she said that she was when she wasn't," "he'd pull out before," "effing
} idiot," "never found out they weren't his," and "never again."

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 17 14:50:55 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1570-08

Selected-By: twchew <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Watch this... Science... (assisted by mathematics)

1/2 divided by 1/4

invert and multiply

1/2 multiplied by 4/1

That's 2. TWO.

So I have a half brother. His name is Dave.

If I divide him by 1/4, which should obviously take three cuts,
then Dave will be twins.

Ain't science wonderful?????

Someone once said, "There is something fascinating about science. One
gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling
investment of fact."

Most quotations claim the original speaker is Abe Lincoln, Mark
Twain or Will Rogers. This time, though, I'll claim Ben Franklin,
because I have $100 riding on the bet, and Ben's on the US $100 bill.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [This response about science has been censored by the United States
} Government]

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Date: Fri, 17 Feb 17 14:50:56 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1570-09

Selected-By: twchew <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please do not answer this question. Answer something else instead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} - No, she's not.
} - Yes, he is.
} - Maybe they are.
} - Because I said so.
} - Only if Mummy says you can.
} - When Daddy's finished reading his paper, sweetie.
} - When a man and a woman love each other very much.
} - When a man and a man love each other very much.
} - When a woman and a woman love each other very much.
} - When the moon is full.
} - Over my dead body.
} - Never you mind why, just do it.
} - About two hours.
} - Ten minutes, if you peel it first.
} - For the children.
} - For the money.
} - For the LOLs.
} - With a carrot.
} - Without a cause.
} - In three years.
} - Twenty six miles exactly.
} - Three inches and 6 millimetres if you take the batteries out.
} - Stupidity.
} - Janet Jackson (assuming you don't count Steve Jobs).
} - Donald Trump (assuming you don't count).
} - The left-hand one is more expensive.
} - The right-hand one hangs lower.
} - Two artichokes, three salmon, and a polio vaccination
} - Discombobulated.
} - A fashion statement.
} - An accident in a fast-food restaurant.
} - A small nuclear missile and a full English breakfast.
} - Roses, unless it falls on a Thursday, in which case use a large
} whiskey.
} - Ten kilometres south of Newcastle (Canada).
} - Two miles west of Newcastle (England).
} - Six yards below Newcastle city centre (Australia).
} - Perpetually.
} - Before swimming the Irish Sea.
} - After downing a six-pack of medium strength lager.
} - Only in France before dark.
} - The New York Yankees (or Manchester City, if you're Welsh).
} - Five seconds (not counting the run-up).
} - The Queen (all the others are comedians).
} - Bacteria (although walruses come a close second).
} - Every seventy-three years (if you water it).
}
} Excuse me, I have to answer my 'phone.
}
} You owe the Oracle a go on Final Jeopardy.

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Date: Fri, 17 Feb 17 14:50:57 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1570-10

Selected-By: Dave <[email protected]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I'm looking for the CORRECT names of religions entities. Jesus, for
example. In the St. James Bible he is called Jesus, but the Peurto
Riccans pronounce him Hay-soos and name all their children after him.
It must get awful confusing if a Peurtoricdan guy hits his thumb with a hammer and yells HAY-SOOS and all the little children come running to
laugh at him.

What is YOUR name in Poerto-Rcidan or French or something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The exhaustive* list of T.E.Oracle's names in all languages:
} Language Name
} English Oracle
} French Ouxracleur (pronounced just like in English)
} Russian OH-RAH-KUHL (with a strong, rolled 'r')
} Japanese OH-LAH-KUH-LUH
} German der/die/das Orakel (all articles are equally wrong)
} HTML &oracle;
} Lojban le xambebpij
}
} * exhaustive, as in pertaining to an exhaust system or it's exhaust

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1570 ******************************************

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