XPost: alt.comics.lnh

#50.2

[NONSENSE FILE 1: TOKEN GIRL]

1991:

It was just another day at the Blockbuster, and Token Girl was preparing for another day of dealing with irate customers and making sure parents didn't check out Legend of the Overfiend for their kids by mistake.

[She was there and she was outside watching herself through cracked glass of time]

She wondered if the one person she was actually looking forward to seeing would come in, and steeled herself for the disappointment when she wouldn't.

Catalyst Lass walked into the Blockbuster. Tara felt a heavy weight rise from her chest.

"It sure is the 90s, huh?" said Cat.

"Is it, though?" said Tara. Usually, she wasn't enthused by all the weirdos who tried to chat her up, but something about this woman was different. She just... seemed interested in everything, and also interested in *her*. "I mean, the 80s are over, yeah, but I don't feel like this decade has decided what it's going to be now. The Soviet Union is gone, I guess we don't have to worry about the bomb anymore, but fear of the bomb defined our whole lives in the last decade so... what now? It's weird; nothing feels real anymore. I guess that's why everyone is obsessed with virtual reality now."

"Well, maybe," said Cat. She was holding a stack of anime videos, French foreign movies and Doctor Who. Tara had always known cinephiles, but it was hard to imagine a world where the world at large would care about anime or Doctor Who.

That was the kind of thing Cat took as a challenge: she was interested in things and she wanted other people to be interested in them too. In the end, even when it wasn't something that mattered to her, the bright light of her passion drew you in. She'd become a net.hero now, which was all the rage these days, and started calling herself Catalyst Lass.

She leaned over the till toward Tara, just a little bit. "So... I'm kind of helping put together a net.hero team and I was wondering if you wanted to join."

"Huh?"

"I don't know, you said you wanted to do something with your life..."

"Thanks but... you may have noticed, I don't have any powers. I mean, except for maybe the ability to attract weirdos..."

"That's totally a valid superpower." Cat smiled. That smile was hard to resist.

[WHY DID YOU RESIST?]

"Yeah right. Thanks, Cat, but there's no way I'm gonna join the Legion."


1993:

Tara stood before the LNHQ and opened the door. The huge crowd of superheroes on the other side was overwhelming, and she asked herself, not for the first time, if she really wanted to be there. But now that the Blockbuster had been smashed up by a net.villain, living up to its name, she couldn't go back to her old job even if she wanted to. Which she didn't.

"What are you here for?" said the intimidating-looking receptionist, tapping her pen. (Her name was Crystal, and she was just tired from overwork, but Tara didn't know that yet.)

"I, uh." Tara couldn't quite believe what she was saying as she was saying it. "I'm here to join the LNH. Catalyst Lass recommended me."

[WHY DID YOU JOIN THE LEGION?]

"I see," said Crystal. She gave Tara an enormous stack of forms to fill out.

Once Tara had mustered up the courage to go through the doors and fill out all the forms, the actual initiation process went pretty smoothly. Ultimate Ninja killed her within a few seconds, but Cat reassured her this was normal. There'd also been a weird bureaucratic hangup with her forms since her counterpart from one of the evil LNH universes had joined disguised as her [the one seen originally in LNH v1 #28 - Footnote Girl], but that had been due to the Universal Office invading the LNHQ and went away as soon as the Net.Trenchcoat Brigade exorcized it. [Wrath of the Administrator - FG]. Things settled down after that, relatively speaking.

At first, she didn't know how to relate to all those strange Lads and Lasses and Boys and Girls and other people with their outlandish costumes and ridiculous powers. Over time, she found herself getting to know them as people, and found they actually wanted her there.

Cat had helped. She was interested in Tara, and wanted other people to be interested in her too.


1994:

They were gathered in the Net.ropolis Bandshell [Constellation #36 - FG], the same place where Tara had had her drinking contest with the Chuggernaut, playing a small but significant part in saving the world [Retcon Hour - FG]. No longer a cracked ruin, it was now covered in bright flowers.

All the Legion sat as one in the Bandshell's seats. They had been brought here by a single word ringing through their minds, a psychic message which could only have come from Constellation. Constellation was one of those travelers who came in from other worlds very different from the LNH's own. There were more and more of those lately, like that winged Vulcan space elf woman, Vulcana. Looking at someone like her, Token Girl had to wonder, what was she even doing there? But she'd asked that same question about herself not long ago.

She looked around instinctively for Cat. She thought she'd seen her elsewhere, sitting by Deductive Logic Man, but then bumped into her. "Oh hi!" said Cat. "This is gonna be exciting." She rubbed her hands together. Cat and Tara sat down among the crowd of net.heroes.

"God, look at all those people," said Tara. "I had no idea the Legion was so big now... I remember when I was a newbie. That was like, less than a year ago. Now I feel like a cranky oldster."

"You get used to it," said Cat.

"Do you have any idea what the hell's actually going on?"

"Not really, no," said Cat. "Sometimes you just have to go along with these things."

She had to admit she was a little worried. The last time they'd all gathered at the Bandshell was for a grand cosmic battle for the fate of a shattered reality. This time, there was a peace that lay over the Bandshell like a blanket of snow, a peace that was almost uncanny.

The chatter in the seats fell silent.

And there he was, a piece of starry night sky in the shape of a man. Growing up and spending most of her life in a big city, Tara had never seen a night sky like this. Many said they found Constellation's presence disorienting, and she had to admit she did too, but there was something strangely calming about it now.

Beside him was another figure, like him but feminine in form--but both seemed to shine with a strange energy that could not be easily characterized as masculine or feminine.

Constellation's voice echoed through her mind: "I'm sorry if I inconvenienced any of you in active plotlines, but I felt you should all be here when I said goodbye."

Then the clear and luminous voice of the other beside him: "Think of it as a honeymoon." A murmur rippled through the crowd, but they all fell silent as the two figures merged. The night skies flowed into each other; the stars in their bodies joined together in a dance. She her memory drawn back to the Valentine's Ball, when she and Cat were dancing together, the giddy exhilaration she felt. [LNH Triple Play #3/Another LNH Title? Really? #10 - FG], something she'd forgotten until now.

And everyone was illuminated.

Token Girl saw the bonds of friendship, rivalry and love that connected them all. The Legion, for all that it had become intimidatingly huge, was still bound tightly together. She saw shining in the crowd all those she was close to, and above all Cat, who stood beside her, so lovely and luminous that she couldn't turn away from her even to see Constellation. Cat's eyes were on her too. Her hand reached over and touched Cat's, feeling its warmth enter and transfigure her body as the other star-being had Constellation's.

They could have kissed

[WHY DIDN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?]

The light faded away and they were once more simply themselves.


2012:

And then she was at the other dance, the LNH's 20th anniversary celebration. [LNH v2 #50 - FG].

The grief and frustration from the Infinite Leadership Crisis and the seemingly endless succession of crises that followed [Beige Countdown and Beige Midnight -
FG] had lingered long, not least because the ending of the story had taken a while to post. Nonetheless, the ending had finally been posted and the LNH had been given a chance to catch up with everything they'd been through. Now was the time to celebrate.

And celebrate they did. The dance was the biggest party the LNH had had since the days of the old Valentine's Ball. Things had gone wrong, because of course they did: the Dorf attack that brought the LNH face to face with their first failure. But this had also shown them all the ways they'd grown and gotten stronger since.

Old LNHers and new had come to attend, faces that Token Girl had not seen in many years and faces she was only just getting used to. She even thought she might have seen the Intangible Legion dancing over there, though that was probably just drink and the fact she was up at an ungodly hour.

And there was Cat, radiant as ever, dancing with the Invisible Incendiary for old times' sake.

She remembered all the life they'd shared together, all the adventures they'd been on, many of which were not recorded in the official chronicles of the LNH, from the clash with the League of Net.Assassins, to the quest for the Lost Voicemail of King Arthur, to the educational adventure with the kids from the Dr. Octavius Plot Elementary School, to the desperate rush to escape the Monster Bees of Looniverse-BZ.

She remembered how, not long ago, while pretending to be a brainwashed pawn of the Hexfire Club, Cat had put her cover at risk trying to save Tara's life. [A tale that may be told someday, assuming Jeanne Morningstar doesn't collapse from exhaustion after finishing this--FG] When all was said and done, she'd told Tara she'd done the things she'd done because corrupted heroines were expected to act more lesbian, and she was just playing a part, but... She sure had been committed to it, hadn't she?

She remembered once again their dance back in the first ball, and wanted, more than she'd ever wanted anything, to dance with her again.

She knew if she didn't take the chance she'd end up like Boy Lad, who'd seen the taxi driver he loved run off with a girl he'd saved from a dragon. That, at least, was the version of the story she'd heard from... someone, she couldn't remember who. [The more commonly known version of that story is told in Pliable Lad Annual #1, and the person who told Tara this version was, of course, Forgotten Gal--FG, getting extremely tired]

She knew that not taking that second dance with Cat was something she'd regret until the day she died.

Which was now.

She can see herself, now a faint haze in the air, sitting down in front of the passed-out You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad and watching Cat from a distance. She wanted to yell at her, tell her she had to take the chance now before it was too late, but she'd never be able to hear herself and she wouldn't have listened if she could.

The ballroom was empty now. She was sitting alone on a folded metal chair.

[WHY DIDN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?]

Because it wasn't the right time and the right time never came.

[WHY DID YOU RESIST?]

Because as much as she wanted Cat, she was afraid of wanting Cat.

[WHY DID YOU JOIN THE LEGION?]

Because as much as she wanted to be alone, she was afraid of being alone.

[WHY DIDN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?]
[WHY DIDN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?]
[WHY DIDN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?]

Because she was tired of wanting things and not getting them.

Because she was tired of wanting things and getting them and finding out they weren't what she wanted.

Because she was tired of wanting things.

Because no one could make you want things the way Cat did.

Because being around Cat made her care about life and she didn't want to care too much because life kept finding ways to hurt her.

Because even with its luminous imaginative power the LNH was still bound by the Real World, and the Real World had held her back from facing those kinds of feelings for a long time.

Because--

"Okay," said Token Girl, "that's enough." She stood up, picked up the chair, and flung it through the wall. It flew through the red velvet curtain she hadn't realized had been there and clunked to the ground somewhere in the distance.

"So is this some kind of Human Instrumentality Project or what?" asked Token Girl. No one answered.

Gradually, as if after a hangover, the world came into focus around her. She was standing on the stage of some kind of old-fashioned theater, which was completely empty. A camera which cast its light on the screen behind her had been projecting everything she'd been through.

"Just like the 90s, huh? All this unreality is making me nostalgic," said Token Girl. This was a relief--she wasn't dead after all, just stuck in some illusionary scenario again.

"No, no, I'm afraid you very much are dead," said a deep, resonant, Brian- Blessed-y voice from behind her. She turned around and saw someone who
looked for all the world like Brian Blessed himself in a top hat and tails.

"Wha-huh?" she said. "Who the hell are you? Are you some character I'm supposed to remember?"

"Well, I suppose I haven't been seen in your fine storytelling universe in quite a while--not since it moved off rec.arts.comics. I am Entertainment of the Finishless, sometimes known as--the Electrocutioner!" He raised his arms and waited expectantly for the footnote to pop up.

[Apologies, but I'm tapped out. That was a preposterous amount of continuity, even for me. You'll have to do the footnoting this time - Footnote Girl]

"Ah yes, well," said Entertainment, fishing around in his capacious pockets. "Here's my card – my *trading* card!"

He handed her a square of cardboard with his portrait on the front, grinning out at the viewer and labeled "WILDCARDS." She turned over the card and read:

--

ENTERTAINMENT (TM)

"HEY, I MIGHT BE AN OMNIPOTENT BEING, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T KEEP
UP ON THE LATEST STYLES!"
--501 Blues Rattler Hide Special #3/Electrocutioner's Song Part 10

Hasn't been seen since: The Electrocutioner's Song (1993)
Looks kind of like: Brian Blessed

MEANINGLESS NUMBERS:

Street Level: 1
Speed: S
Fireblast: Super S
Charisma: A
Ridiculousness: Super S
Metafiction: Super S
Cosmic: A

The prodigal Finishless, also known as the Electrocutioner, who left his role for reasons unknown! After their apparent deaths in the Electrocutioner's Song, Ultimate Ninja and Marvel Zombie Lad found themselves trapped in in his unreal realm, where the Ninja was forced to sing for his entertainment, justifying the crossover's nonsensical parodic title. Though he has not been seen in many years, to this day he still creates chaos across the Omnilooniverse!

--

"That's nice," she said, "but could you maybe explain the part about me being dead?"

"Ah, well, I'm afraid that's fairly straightforward," said Entertainment. "You died in your battle with DeltaKiwi Meganthereon, but I was watching and I decided it wasn't your time to go yet... It would hardly be entertaining if it ended like that. I couldn't help but pay attention to that storyline of yours, you see. Especially with so many of my family involved... Though I haven't been on speaking terms with most of them in years, alas. Goes with being the embodiment of Drama."

She couldn't help but laugh. What had brought her here--what had saved her life--was her power to attract weirdos.

"Hmm," said Token Girl. "So who's the seventh one?"

"Ah, now that is a mystery. Have to keep the plot hooks going!" He winked at the nonexistent audience.

"Great so... can I go back, or am I just going to be sitting around this theater forever?"

"Hopefully not," said Entertainment. "It all depends on what my sister does. Ending, I mean. I'm afraid I've never gotten along with her--I want the stories to keep going as long as they can, you see. Though I have had a bit of help from my other sister."

"iH," said a voice from the wings. She waved shyly at Tara.

"Dyslexia?"

"Indeed. The one member of my family who'll show me the time of day. She sent the Mini-Balrog to guide your soul here. She has a certain kinship with Mini- Balrogs and other Typo Gremlins, you see, and you've always been kind to them. You've even left out food for them now and again."

"Thanks, I guess," said Token Girl.

"I've situated my realm within her home on the Para.net.elemental Plane of Typo--see?" He pulled a window out of his pocket, and through it she saw... a shifting sky where objects flitted through the air that were constantly changing--a bat becomes a cat becomes a car... On the ground were flowing rivers of coffee.

"What's with the coffee?"

"Ah," said Entertainment. "The Plane of Typo is at the intersection of Flame and Keystroke--the equivalent of your D&D cosmology's Plane of Magma. That's supposed to be lava. At any rate, being here puts a strain on my powers, but will also put a strain on *hers* too. Still, I'm afraid *she's* going to have to show up at some point."

Tara didn't have to be told who he meant.

Just then, there was a crash of thunder and the window in Entertainment's hand lit up with lightning. He put it away.

"Ah," he said. "She's here."

A horse-drawn hearse drove down the walkway of the theater. It opened, and out stepped the pale woman whose aspect Tara, a longtime reader of Vertigo comics, knew so well. There was a time in her life when she would have been overjoyed to run across a cute goth girl embodiment of Death, but that time was before she actually died.

"I'm sorry," said Ending as she mounted the stage. "It's time to go."

====

Catalyst Lass pressed her face into WikiBoy for what seemed like an eternity but was probably more like ten minutes, as the raucous battle against Reagent Omnicron played out around her. Finally, she stood up, smoothing out her costume. "...thank you."

WikiBoy bowed his big shaggy head to her, then looked up curiously into the sky. Kid Occultism Kid was floating down, and snapped their fingers in a dramatic gesture. "WikiBoy, revert!"

WikiBoy poofed back into being basically human. "Whew! Thanks." He spun to face Cat. "I think we need to go cosmic."

"...buh?" said Cat, blinking.

"At the beginning of all this, Kid OK and I went to see the cosmic beings. And I don't... I can't really say why but it feels like..."

"...like something is pulling you back there once more? A sense of a story that was told to you, long ago, whose final chapter has come?" Kid Occultism Kid gazed across the battlefield... and, though his gaze had been pointing in their direction seemingly by coincidence, Bacchus was looking back, deep into their soul. "I read a book once, tho it disappeared long before I was born, and scraps of its knowledge still leak from my soul into my brain... thus did we travel to the world of abstracts before, and thus we must do so again. And Catalyst Lass is in need of a journey to the underworld... so journey we will."

"And I'm coming too!" Merissa marched into the scene and put her hands on her hips. "I'm fed up with not being able to do anything! And *somebody* cool needs to come along or else this is gonna be the most boring cosmic journey ever!"

"Who dares to contemplate a journey to the land of the dead!?" Crackling with unlightnings, cape billowing in a personal wind, the Black Halo floated down out of the sky.

Occultism Kid walked up, undramatically, behind his student, and put a hand on their shoulder. "We do. For two of our teammates have not yet ended their journeys." He looked over at Catalyst Lass and gave her a tired but firm smile.

Cat could feel hot tears emerging one by one and sliding down her cheeks. "You-- you guys-- I don't--" She swallowed hard. "I mean-- if you think we have to, then..." She pulled in a deep breath. "Then we have to." She let it out, a warm flush of catalytic energy sweeping thru the group.

"I see... then this must truly be my purpose in this world!" The Black Halo swept their arms wide. "Come then! Allow a god of death and a guardian of souls to accompany you into the underworld!"

Somewhere in the distance, the Morningstar said "Ha! I knew there had to be a reason I put them in this story!"

"Then it is time!" Kid Occultism Kid snapped their fingers. "WikiBoy! You are a cosmic transcendence vehicle!"

WikiBoy poofed into an orange-and-brown couch with a multicolored afghan draped over the back and a stain on one of the cushions, and all five of them hopped on.

"Let's go!"

Drew "full force introspection action!!" Nilium

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
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