Ubiquitous <
[email protected]> wrote:
After my workout, I watched:
What did you watch?
Hey, thanks for asking!
JURASSIC PARK WORLD AFTERBIRTH
In 1997, hack David Koepp “wrote” the worst Jurassic movie ever made. 28 years later, Steven Spielberg asked him if he could write one even worse.
He tried his best and aided and abetted by one of the worst directors in
the business, certainly scored a solid tie for bottom place.
Somehow, in just a couple years since the last movie, the atmosphere of the entire planet has changed, and now dinosaurs can only live in a narrow
strip along the equator. Luckily, this completely different atmosphere doesn’t affect humans at all, in or out of the dino zone. Of course no
humans are allowed in the dino zone because… Well, they don’t actually say. Why would it matter if dinosaurs can’t leave the zone?
A family, and yes, it’s pretty much the family from land of the lost right down to the obnoxious little girl who will befriend a dinosaur that looks
just like a midget in a Halloween costume, is sailing through the forbidden zone because… I never did figure out why. They immediately hit a “dinosaur” and capsize their sail boat, which remains upside down like the USS Poseidon. A boat with the rest of the main cast breaks away from their secret mission to rescue them saying that otherwise they’ll freeze to death in the icy waters of the equator, which would be 80° now and much hotter in
a couple years. They do this, even though there are plenty of boats in the area. What the hell happened to the forbidden zone anyway?
The second boat is on a mission to collect blood samples from the three
largest dinosaurs because with that you can cure all heart disease in
humans and give everybody an extra 20 years of life. We’ve had the
discussion about why the hell you have to get a blood sample from a living specimen before. They actually explain it here. Blood, every single drop of
it, every single drop of the hundred million gallons in the biggest
dinosaur that ever lived, instantly goes rancid when the creature dies.
Why can’t you just blow a hole in its tail and collect the blood there? It’s not dead. Oh, yeah, David Koepp is an idiot. So together they get the blood from the ocean dinosaur which then attacks them, forcing them to seek refuge on a nearby island that it turns out was their destination all
along. Because that’s where the giant flying dinosaur lives. Note that swimming creatures and flying creatures are not dinosaurs by definition.
Also, the biggest pterosaur isn’t going to have this gigantic heart they’re talking about because their bodies are like the size of a turkey. But then David Koepp is an idiot. They explain that this island is where they sent
all the mutant dinosaurs that didn’t work out right for accounting reasons.
Later, they find the secret laboratory where they actually made all those mutant dinosaurs, which is a completely different explanation for
everything than we have seen and were told because David Koepp is an idiot. Also, apparently the secret base has been sitting vacant for 17 years, but still automatically lights up all night when the generator kicks in. Must
be a big gas tank. All the vehicles and everything run too.
The rest of it is just dinosaurs eating people and you’re rooting for the dinosaurs at every turn. At one point, the sailboat people fall off a cliff
and the rest of the expedition just forgets about them and it breaks into
two movies. Nobody slaps the little girl for dragging a baby dinosaur along with them and throwing it food and leaving a trail of food for the
carnivorous creatures on this island to follow them.
And they apparently have a tyrannosaurus with six legs, but no lake bell
just to scratch the surface.
Pretty much everything else is copy pasted from the earlier movies. And
this entire island is honeycombed with secret passages and ancient and
modern tunnels because why not.
The movie has two happy endings. One is they decide to give the blood
samples (one of which is an egg white sample) to the world in general
because then everyone will magically stop having heart disease. I have no
idea how that would work. Why not give it to InGen and take the money and
then release the secrets to the world somehow as well? The other happy
ending is the obnoxious little girl takes her obnoxious dinosaur back to civilization even though dinosaurs can’t live more than a couple of miles from the equator. But apparently they forgot that. Because David Koepp an idiot.
--
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is still on my list.
--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)